Deserving

"We accept the love we think we deserve."- Stephen Chbosky

Is this what we subconsciously believe me deserve and are capable of ? What happens when your subconscious feels the need to remind the conscious you that you are nothing special.  That despite how far you think you've come in life... this life has no one for you.  No one to give you that love you so crave.  That devoted, never ending, storybook, against all odds love.   What happens if you feel that is the love you deserve and yet it is never, never within your reach.  Am I just un accepting of it, or do I not feel I deserve it.

After watching years of my biological father, my step father, men in general, lie to me, my mother, my sisters.  Why do I accept a liar?  Why do I accept someone who refuses to put me before anyone else?  We try so hard to not make our mother's mistakes, but what happens when you wake up one day and realize  you have ruined your life just as much as she ruined hers.  What happens when you look up and cannot see the road ahead of you? When you cannot fathom something better because maybe you do not deserve that after all.  You may think you have put in your dues with the liars, the ones who put everything but you first, but you will never really be done.  Because that is what you deserve.

Would you change it?

It has been almost two years since my Mother and Sisters got out from the hell that we were living in.  Two years of freedom, two years of happiness.   Two years of growth.

At small group a few weeks ago, my friend said something that absolutely struck me, especially at this time of year-


"If you could change your past, would you?" 


Now the obvious answer is DUH!  However after thinking more closely, I came to the realization that my troubled childhood, the hell my family and I went through, all of this made me who I am today.  It shaped my relationships, it formed my personality, it taught me how to help others, it gave me the desire to be there for those in need.   I cannot imagine who I would be if I had a perfect stepford childhood.   In the past two years, I have watched my sisters grow so much in themselves.  They have found such a new confidence, they are wonderful young women.  My Mom is independent and driven, she pushes us and herself to go further in life.   I am independent and self sufficient.   Would I change this?  Honestly, my answer is no.

I would never wish what we have been through on anyone, but I have found new perspective for the past.   It shaped us.  It has caused us to grow, to learn to take care of ourselves and each other.  It has turned my mom and sisters into my best friends.  Would I change that?  Never.   Would I change the person I am?  The family I have?  The lessons I've learned?  No.


The past may be a dark, looming nightmare, but the biggest thing to remember is that it is something that  can be learned from.   And that is what makes a person, the ability to take the negative experiences and grow from them.