Guest Post: Worst. Date. Ever.

Happy Caturday Saturday!  Today is a guest post from my Best Friend, Melissa Holloway, describing what is the WORST date I have ever heard about.  I honestly could not make this stuff up.

This is Melissa.  

So this story starts with my sister...she invited me to Disneyland a couple of times, where we hung out with her co-worker. He was awkward, didn't talk much - the complete opposite of me, but hey, I'm a nice person so I still made friends with him. Then we went to a birthday party one night and he was there. I was having fun, slightly flirting (which is my personality and totally involuntary in most situations) and he seemed to be having fun too. 

As we were all hanging out, he corned me in my friend's kitchen and asked for my number.  At this point I had a mouth full of puffy Cheetos and was looking very unattractive, so I was certain this was NOT a, "let me ask you out" moment!  Instead he proceeded to text me WHILE IN THE SAME ROOM.  Although this is sometimes appropriate, like when my best friend (That's ME!) and I have to talk about a girls hideous shoes or disgusting behavior, but I have not had hidden conversations with men like this since high school. So I decided not to reply.  Hello homeboy I am not 15, have a conversation with me to my face, YOU'RE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  So at this point, I planned to do nothing about this flitrationship, but my friends convinced me he was nice and I should pursue something (I should have gone with my better judgement). 

After texting the for awhile he asked me to coffee, so I said yes and we made a plan for Saturday afternoon. 

I arrive at the local Starbucks, where I find that he is not there. I text him and he replied he was late and stuck in traffic. I have to drive right over the freeway, where there was NO TRAFFIC and it was a Saturday morning, in southern California. What the heck dude!  Once, he finally arrives, 20 minutes late (He only lives five minutes from said Starbucks might I add), I asked if we should order our coffee. As we walked up to the counter, I order my coffee and turn to him and ask him him if he's going to order anything and he says, "Yeah, after you pay for your own." SAY WHAT!!!! I don't know if I'm old fashioned or a spoiled brat, but in my book, when YOU invited a girl on a coffee date, YOU pay! And I'm not being sexist, if I invited him, I would have paid. So, strike 1! 

We sit down and as we are talking about our weekends so far, he looks at me and says in a disgusted voice, "Are you Asian??" and I stared at him, in shock and said "Ummm, No...." (Okay I was totally out until 3am in Long Beach, partying like I was 21 so I might have been puffy, but WHO SAYS THAT!!!).  He then says, "Are you sure, you have REALLY squinty eyes!" 

Again, WHAT THE HECK DUDE! 

I replied, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not Asian." The conversation then went to the topic of Mandarin and Chinese, I don't know about all of you, but I don't know the first thing about the Chinese language, (1) because I know no one who really speaks it & (2) I'm not Asian, so I said "Mandarin and Chinese are different aren't they?" and He said, "No! Are you dumb, they are the same thing, you should know! You look like one of them!"

Seriously, how rude and offensive can you be! Strike 2!

At this point, I could not tell you why I stayed, but I did and was telling him about a boy at Disneyland who's mom played a joke on him, by saying "smell your hand" and when he did she bumped it and he smacked himself in the face. I thought this was funny, but he says to me (in a seductive tone) "Do you like to me smacked?" My first thought was, seriously dude, you won't buy me coffee, but you'll ask me sexually charged questions! What the heck! I replied to him and said "No!" He then said, "Are you sure you don't like to be spanked? Maybe you just haven't been spanked by a dominant man before" and he leaned over and tapped my cheek!!!! and WINKED AT ME!!!!! 

 This is the point where I got MAD and said " NO! I don't want to be spanked, or smacked by anyone, including you!" He just laughed and continued talking about a horror movie I reminded him of! STRIKE 3! 

Now for most Americans who know about Baseball, this means you're out! You only get three strikes right? Nope, I'm a glutton for punishment and STAYED. The conversation lulled and I refused to elevate the awkward moment, just to make him suffer. At this moment I got a text message and my phone was laying on the table, so he leans over and GRABS MY PHONE to see who is texting me! I only allow my nearest and dearest to look through my phone, so to be this a HUGE offense! STRIKE 4!!!! 

I jerked my phone out of his hand and he reaches over and GRABS MY COFFEE now, taking it and DRINKS MY COFFEE!!! I am a coffee addicted, I live on it and it is coursing through my veins, so YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY COFFEE! I just stared at him about to attack and he looks at me seductively (his version, NOT seductive AT ALL) and LICKS the length of my straw with his nasty disgusting tongue! STRIKE 5-100!!!! 

I immediately got up and said I needed to leave. I said I had some where to be and just left. I will never put myself through that much devastation again! 

He has continued to message me on Facebook and text me. He has now been Blocked and he IGNORED! Its been two weeks and he still hasn't got the hint. How dense can one man be?! 

The worst part here is, HE'S A THERAPIST!!!!

WORST DATE EVER!!!