Want to feel old? What the kids are saying part 43243

Since I am SO OVER finals... and I am running out of ways to procrastinate (Yes, even went to gym as a homework break... I know.. I might be ill) here is the latest in the line of "that's what the kids are saying these days?!?!" to make you feel as old as I feel every time I go home.

I swear, sometimes going to talk to my sisters needs an urban dictionary all the time. They speak a different language.  Here are a few things I go out of them this last trip home:

The Struggle is Real: Fights with my Ovaries

I know, I have been a bad blogger and have not blogged in AGES.  Forgive me.  



Here is a bit of my thoughts and musings from today: 


Women's ovaries are like bats with sonar .... A woman can see, hear, be in same general vicinity of a small baby and suddenly PING!  It's like the spidey sense is tingling.  There's a baby in the area!!!!   

Despite where one is in their life .... Married, not married, school, fully protected by birth control... A woman cannot help but find small baby, coo loudly and look longingly with puppy eyes. 

Then I , being the oddball I am, have to have a chat with the ovaries. It usually goes something like this: 

Me: "Be still ladies!  We have a million things to accomplish! School, marriage, job..."

Ovaries: "You hate us!  We give you a nice egg every month and this is how you repay our kindness and gifts ?!? "

Me: "Ladies please!"

Ovaries: "You'll pay for this!  We are friends with Uterus and this month we are gonna make sure it hurts !"

Me: "Why!!" 

All of this occurs in a span of two minutes or until the offending sweet sweet baby is out of sight, smell, earshot ....

The struggle is real. 

The stupid story: Why my ex is my ex: A guest post by my dear friend Dan, who is nuts.

The stupid story: Why my ex is my ex: A guest post by my dear friend Dan, who is nuts.

Today my friends and I were sitting outside, having our coffee and Daniel regaled us with he story of his cat... Here it is in his own words.

"I was in between jobs and my ex (because she obviously knows my life better than I do), told me that I needed a friend... I said NO! So that obviously meant that it was definitely happening because with girls "No" means "Yes please!"  (In the world of girl consent for anything but sex, no means yes... such is the nature of relationships).

So here is where it gets good... So we head off to the PetSmart to get me a beta fish... and we walk out with a damn cat... Yes, a cat. How we made a leap from a fish to a mammal is beyond me to this day.

Gift ideas for the person obsessed with their kid

Here it is loves... the day before Christmas.  For those of you who are doing that last minute shopping, allow me to assist... Part three of my wonderful gift trilogy.... Gifts for the people in your life who are obsessed with their kids.

Bathroom gifts for all your loved ones

One final down, two left to go.   And to celebrate, I'm taking a small study break to write a blog.  I know.... I really am out of control these days. 

Here is party two of the horrendous awesome gifts for your loved ones.... the bathroom edition, for all those people on your list who will at some point need to evacuate their bladders or bowels.  Happy Shopping! 

Dogs with Socks... I don't have a problem...

Recently, thanks in part to my dear friend Tara and her tiny baby Puff, I have become OBSESSED with the idea of buying Bogart socks.   (It's not my fault RYAN!  Puff made me do it!)

Puff, the one who started it all... That face!

I know you are all rolling your eyes thinking to yourself, "oh gosh, not one of those dog people".... and I can honestly say... I might have a teensy problem, yes, but you are all just as amused as I am by photos of Dogs in Socks!  Don't deny it.  You're laughing out loud, maybe trying to stifle a quick chuckle... but you are amused.  So you can't judge!

So up until the last few weeks, I was only that person who was obsessed with her dog put shirts etc on the dog.  Then, thanks in part to instagram, and in part to how damn cute my friend's dog looked in dog socks, I knew I had to get Bogart a pair.

Yesterday at Petsmart (I really should not be allowed within 500 feet of that store because I have a pet obsession) I found a pair of socks on sale!  (Sale Ryan! that means I HAD to get them.  Think of all the money I saved!) Not only were they the cutest, tiniest things I'd ever seen, they were also KERMIT THE FREAKING FROG.   This seemed clandestine.  My aunt Yamina calls my gram Petites cuisses de grenouille... which translate to "little frog legs"... well Bogart has very tiny boney frog legs...  Just. Like.  Gram.... Say it with me... PERFECT.

Come at me Ladies!

This poor dog, I don't know why he loves me as much as he does... but he did not seem to mind the socks on bit.   My other baby, Bella on the other hand, was not amused.  My cousin G is sitting over here telling me I have a problem and she can't imagine when I have kids of my own... but to that i have two things to say:

    1. It's only a problem if I start putting the neighborhood animals in socks!  Can you imagine, like how people graffiti things, or put goggly eyes on random neighborhood objects?  Like a drive by socking... Just picture looking down and suddenly your cat/dog/horse/iguana is wearing a cute pair of socks.  I personally thing this is a far better form of expression than graffiti... and a little more fun than Googly Eyes because I would be helping the animals keep their feets warm.  You're welcome fellow pet owners!   However I will not because that would be expensive to get so MANY socks, and frankly that would make me the mother Theresa of cold footed animals Crazy.

    2. After my rant with the first item I cannot seem to remember by second rebuttal.... Oh yeah. My kids will be SO WELL DRESSED! BOOM.

"You're embarrassing me MOM"

Even Gram tried them on. 

She took hers off right away

Not so amused

One time, I got pink eye...

Here is a story from my childhood in between my case readings to lighten your day Poppets. 

One time, I got pink eye...

As a child I had pink eye a few times and was completely and utterly, paralyzingly terrified of having anything put into my eye.  Inclusive of drops.  So I was a sophomore in high school, and I knew I had an eye infection, but put off going to the Dr. because frankly I knew he would give me the drops! 

Shoulda gone when I had a change.  By the time I finally went to the Dr. he took one look at my incredibly swollen eye and made a face of complete shock.  Need I say, this is NOT something you want to see from your doctor ladies and gentleman!  

Prognosis: Pink Eye!  (at this point it was already pretty obvious but still). He said it was so bad, and in both eyes, that I needed serious antibiotics and would have to have them administered through a shot.  So he gets the nurse who returns and tells me to "Pick a cheek."  At this point I respond "I hope you mean the ones on my face????" (Hint: She didn't)

So I drop the pants (only enough to expose a teeny tiny portion of my then completely boney, anorexic ass, because come one now, I'm a lady!) And Bam!  Shot in the tush.  The nurse explained I'd need four of these and would have to come in once a day for four days.... In addition to the dreaded drops!  What had I done to deserve such cruelty!?!?

When I got home that first day, may parents had quarantined me to my room.  This makes complete sense because in a house with five kids and a slew of pets, if one person has even a sniffle, we're all going down!  So I was locked in my room and was only allowed to leave to use the bathroom, which I had to have a clorox wipe with me at all times to sanitize every imaginable surface I touched or even looked at! 

At meal times my captors parents would bring in easy to wrap up meals like hot pockets and capri suns and my female captor would be nice and gently lob them across the room at my bed.  My male captor would set them just barely inside the door as if the germs were waiting to attack him at any moment, all the while bleaching my doorknob and door frame.  

This went on for four days, all of which I had to get my sick and captive and now bruised butt out of bed to return to the Dr. for another shot in the tush.  

Despite all of this, there is a bright side: I did get a sweet batman bandaid one of the days!

Photo from back in the day... Good LORD was I skinny!  Kinda miss it! (the skinny, not high school)

Graffiti Dog

There is a giant world of interesting people that do weird shit to animals.  In perusing pet smart for cute dog stuff I came across this:

Pet Stencils

Yes, apparently your dog needs to be painted on... and they even make specially pet spray paint.

What's better: they make different types of stencils.  Hipster stencils, animal print, Americana... nothing says 'murica quite like a dog you graffiti'd on.

Not as bad as Neudicles, but still pretty weird.

And my mind has been lost

In my homework filled delusions I caught myself singing a song to my hamster while briefing my cases.... I decided to write down the song as I went..

"hamster hates me.... yeah yeah... 

Hamster hates me.... woah woah... 

I don't know... what I've done wrong

I don't know, why I'm singing a song. 

I don't know, why you hate me... 

but listen up hamster, hamster babyyyy.. 

Hamster hates me, hates me, hates me... 

hamster hates me, I've done nothing wrong.... 

Hamster hates me, hates me hates me, 

hamster hates me, she prob'ly hates this song... " 

Coincidently, so is my relationship with the hamster.

I need a nap.

How I ended up with a Hamster...

I honestly think I should just delete my Facebook, and here is why.  So many people are getting married and having babies... and every time I see it my nurture brain kicks in (made worse by PMS, Over share, I know)  It totally sucks.  It's like "Hi, I'm your irrational Nurturing gene.  I see you are sitting home alone doing homework... talking to yourself and drinking wine..."  And I'm like... "Thanks scumbag gene! DON'T JUDGE ME!"

To prove this point I have been sitting here thinking I need an apartment pet. Yes I know...

I went through the gamut of possible small pet ideas:  dog(no time to train), cat (Ryan is allergic and hates them, I think he was secretly chased by one as a kid), fish (they die to fast), rabbits (they smell), sloths (only illegal in the state of CA, no big deal) 

I almost got Hermit Crabs at the mall yesterday but the man wanted $50 for them and that was a little steep... I actually almost cried (the PMS may have had a little something to do with that).  I even had names picked out.  Herman and Velma Munster.  The funniest part of that story is that while I was at the mall, at the hermit crab kiosk, the man asks me how old the kids are. I looked at him, perplexed, and he says "you know, the ones you are buying for..." to which my ever so kind hearted cousin goes "She's the kid..." Thanks G! 

So today, with me renewed sense of need... I went to the pet store to get a cage so I could go back and get that hermit crab. While I was there I was browsing small animals section (I really should not be allowed to shop alone) and I came across hamster cages.  They were on sale for $9! And, they were PINK.  SOLD. 

So I casually wonder over to the various rodent habitat and start to look at the animals.  

Rats: too big.  Mice: too much memory of feeding them to the pet snake.  Chinchillas: too damn expensive.  Hamster: BINGO!  

After my brilliant hamster discovery I track down a sales person at PetCo... "Excuse me sir, what can you tell me about these hamsters?" 

I do not know what came over me, but I impulse bought a hamster today. Yes, the Nurture Gene made me buy a small, furry creature to love on.  I know I know.  

This is Missy.  Gram named her.  

When I got home, my cousin told me I was nuts.  My rational?  studies have shown that cats and dogs reduce stress and help improve quality of life so I am sure this somehow relates to all small fury creatures right?  Sound logic!  The logic of a law student! (?) 

This would all be fine and dandy if the hamster liked me.  As of now we are off to a rough start.   I want to hold her and love her and I feel like I might give her tiny hamster heart a heart attack.  I think she hates me.  I tried to get her to come out of the tube by poking her in the butt with a carrot which I think means that I battered her (under the legal sense of course).  Let's hope this gets better before the nurture gene makes me get something bigger next time... Like a horse. 

Missy staring at me with contempt as she eats her pellets. 

Pretty sweet PINK hamster condo.  

Crazy Conversations with the Fam... Part 343243

I've said this before... my family is a special kind of crazy... the kind in which outsiders look at us and go "WOW those people need some help!"  And you know what.... it works for us.

A conversation with my sister via texts:

C: Hey for Christmas taking me to see Britney
Me: Huh?
C: YOU are taking me to see Britney Spears
Me: Oh Say What?
C: Either Britney or tattoo (Does anyone remember when all your little sister wanted for christmas was Pool Fun Kelly?  What ever happened to those days?)
Me: I'm broke hun.  Going back to school means I'm dead broke...
C: Chump, Welcome to my life.
Me: Sorry boo
C: Sell your body for tickets (Because DUH I should have thought of that!)
Me: Wow okay.  Didn't think of that one....
C: Glad you're in

A conversation with my cousin while reading the advertisements in the Sunday Paper (because Yes, Gram does still get the physical, gets ink all over your hands, paper... Crazy right?!)

Cousin: Oh! A cross bow for 50 bucks!!!
Me: Don't be that person.
Cousin: A cool person who has a cross bow??
Me: I'm going to start writing this down for the blog...
Cousin: Just don't use my name... In case something goes down...
Me: What like a cross bow accident?
Cousin: No.... but accidents happen.....

Typical... 

Neglected Blog, Neglected Shower

Dear Blog,

I have been a poor blog lover.  I have neglected you in the whirlwind what is applying for law school, working my ass off, and dealing with some massive drama. So to say I'm sorry, I will post a story from a while ago about the time I almost freaking died at the fanged indecency that is a possibly lesbian black widow....

So I was getting ready to get into the shower, (I know right, every good story has some nudity?), and I, being the typical american in this horror story, am 1. home alone, 2. naked, 3. sitting on the toilet while waiting for the shower to get steamy and taking a quick urination break.

As I'm sitting there in my steamy sauna of a bathroom, I had the feeling I was being watched... Cue Psycho horror music.... I look down and a very large  FREAKING GIANT black widow is crawling at my poor naked self!  Its a scene from every bad horror movie and Arachnophobia combined!   Me, being the perfectly level headed person that I am, completely lost it, ran out of my bathroom screaming bloody murder!

I had the sense in this to find a cup from the kitchen and trap the little peeping tom (peeping Jane?) of a spider until Gram could come home and deal with it, but not the sense to turn off the shower... or put on clothes, because honestly people, I am only human and at least I trapped that spider like a rat!!!  (Cue Al Capone:I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES! )

So I sit having a damn panic attack calmly on the couch, in a towel, shower still running and do what any sensible person would do: I waited for gram to come home and kill it.  She was not happy about me wasting water.  I could have died and she was mad about water!  Such is life I suppose. 

In finding this photo I typed "Spider funny" and almost had a panic attack at all the spider photos that popped up.  You're welcome. 

Today I learned... Everything IS bigger in Texas

So today I learned that indeed, everything is bigger in the lone star state.

A coworker came to HQ this week for a visit from Texas.   She was telling me about this tradition in Texas in which a boy asks a girl to homecoming and give her a 'Homecoming Mum'.  According to her it originated as a flower with ribbons hanging off of it that was pinned to your chest like a corsage.  Sounds sweet enough right?

Apparently this Mum thing has gotten a little out of hand in recent years because it is not longer just a sweet flower with some ribbons... NO.... now these girls are wearing full on huge obstructions that look like the craft store threw up ... twice.  They are now giant ribbons and bears... they have bells, and some even have lights!  LIGHTS!  The bigger the better!  BLING BLING

In addition to the girls mum monstrosity, the boys have mum garters that are supposed to match and they wear them on their bicep.

Things are bigger.... and more ribbon filled... in Texas.

These are the Deluxe models in that they light up!  LIGHT UP

The ENTIRE craft store is on their necks!  

Stuff my family says.... Hookah

My sister and her BF love hookah.  I have never come to understand the draw of this.  Funky flavored tobacco out of what looks like a spaceship/bong?  Not so much.

So the other day my sister and her bf were doing their hookah thing, and my mom and I were sitting there chatting with them... The following is the conversation that ensued:

Mom:  "How do you do this?!"

Sister: "You have to make it bubble..."

Mom- "ooooh.... like farts in water...?"

At which point my sister's BF does whatever you call it... smoking? taking a hit?  Yeah I clearly don't know anything about Hookah...

Mom: "WOW Tom, that's like a hot tub!  That's a lot of fart!"

Hold onto your Cell Phone boys and girls

Happy Sunday Poppets,

Ever wondered what it's like to be that person who slows up a flight?  Yeah.... that was me this weekend.


So it started with this photo here:

Ummm?  Her outfit screams call girl but she was going into the admirals club... High Class Escort.?

Whenever we see fashion FAILS, my friend Erin and I immediately text them to one another then proceed to comment as if our jobs were fashion police.

So I was in the process of boarding my flight and texting Erin when I drop my phone out and it lands right on the metal side of the jetway:

Again, I did not take a photo of the actual jetway as my phone was playing hide n seek.

It then proceeds to slide into a perfectly shaped hole!  Did anyone every notice said holes ?  Neither did I!

My first thought is: I would so take a picture of this... if my phone had not been swallowed up by the tarmac!  I start sticking my fingers under this little slot... (don't judge) while people are passing me giving me the "oh I'm glad its not me" look.

Someone alerts the flight crew and THE PILOT comes out to help me.  The PILOT.  As if I wasn't embarrassed enough... After a few minutes of poking things into the slot we realize it actually has a hole in the bottom and my phone has probably fallen onto the tarmac and is a goner.

He goes down to the tarmac to look for it, and note at this point we are still on time but everyone has boarded, and apparently there is a catch that this hole feeds into. AMAZINGLY my phone was alive and well!

I thanked the pilot profusely, and rushed to my seat.  EVERYONE smiling at me in the "oh bless your heart" kind of way.

3 hours later when deplaning the Pilot goes "Hold onto that phone!".

Yeah... I don't make this stuff up.

Nothing to see here.... just walking my Balloon

So today I found the most amazing thing...

Do you ever just get that feeling you need to look over at something.... it catches your eye... and its the GREATEST THING EVER.... well yeah, that happened today.

I was walking the dog and I look over and there it is!  One of those amazing balloons that sits low on the ground that you can walk it like a pet.  They sell them at the mall and make me smile every time I walk past.

Balloon Horse... Chillin on a wall. 

Anyways... I look over and a little baby horse balloon was chilling on the fence, stuck.  I was so overjoyed that I knew I had to take him with me for the remainder of my walk.   There was one issue though... the fence was set behind some bushes and foliage so I had to brave possibly spider infested plant life to get to him.  WORTH IT.

Sid and Horsey.... My pet doesn't need to be cleaned up after.  

After squealing with delight like a kid in a ... balloon store... I took my prize on the rest of the walk.  I can only imagine what the people we passed thought.  The BF walking the pup and me, walking my balloon.  They were clearly jealous.

Now I sit here as my three legged balloon pet dances in the fan breeze and I can't help but think... BEST WALK EVER.   It's a great day when things like this make you so happy.

Nothing to see here... just walking my pet balloon. 

My new planted named Eduardo tried to kill me...

So today, the BF had a 10% off at Lowe's coupon, and needed a BBQ for his weekend with the boys, so we went to get him a BBQ.  We found one that suits him just fine, but me, being well... me, had to get something too.  What did I fancy so much I just had to have it you might ask?

A plant.  Yes, me with no green thumb what so ever needed a plant.  After scouring the store for the perfect plant, I found one, that is hard to kill made for me.

All is well and I'm ecstatic with Eduardo the plant (Yes, that's his name... he told me!) except that the pant won't fit very well in the car because it is really tallish.  So somehow I wrangle this plant into the front seat with me, a front seat that is pushed WAYYY too far forward I might add because of that damn BBQ, and all seems well.

Before I almost died... all seems well... Innocent BBQ and Plant... Plotting away... 

Let me start part two of this story by mentioning that I wore a dress today...

So we did not even get to the end of the parking lot when I look down and see a spider crawling on my hem... that then decides to bee line (Spider line?) for my.... Crotch!   Yes, that's right.  Spider headed toward my nether parts!!

Me, being the completely rational person I am, start flipping the hell out, screaming and trying to swat the spider/my crotch because how devastating would it be to say you got a cooter spider bite?  I mean really.  WOW.

While this is all happening, the BF is all "ummm.. what do you want me to do?".... Pull over idiot and help me because frankly half the parking lot has now seen my ugly undies, why oh why did it have to be an ugly undie kind of day anyways?   He then goes "Well did you kill it?".... Ummm what do you think DEAR, while I am still swatting away??

Finally I managed to kill the spider; crisis averted, so we could continue our adventure.  But seriously... I could have died... or been really embarrassed having to explain to people that my crotch was swollen because my plant named Eduardo tried to kill me by launching spiders at me.

Me with the offending plant... 

Well that's awkward...

So a few weeks ago I was sitting at home, watching 20/20 about people who love their pets to an Extreme and I learned something I never wanted to learn.

First let me say this, I LOVE my dogs.  I dress Bella up all the time and talk to both of them in baby voices but I would not build them a $300,000 dog mansion.  Mostly because.. ummm who does that???!! and also because I do not have truckloads of cash to throw into doggie air-conditioning.  If I did we could reevaluate this, but as I am a poor post college student (looking for takers to generously pay off my student loans), my dogs must settle for a house fan and the couch.

Anyways... so as I'm sitting in my own not so silent judgement of people who hand feed their dogs sushi, I found out there is something far weirder.  Far more... awkward.

Ready for this?  Because I was not... "neuticles".  Yeah right?  So basically these are prostetic testicles you can get your male dog after you've had him neutered.   Because apparently Fido feels a little bit less adequate now that you have chopped off his mojo.  One man even stated that his dog was depressed and after receiving his life altering "Neuticles" he suddenly was happier than Hugh Hefner on Viagra. (Okay I added that part about the Hef, but it seems fitting).

So anyways, since I now have to wonder every time I see a boy dog, male bits a swingin' if he is a real player or just as plastic as a Ken doll, I wanted to share.  Because poppets, this is knowledge that I cannot keep to myself.  Enjoy.

Not only are the Neuticles disturbing, so is this lady's narration.  WOW.  

Text messages with the Man.

So, sometimes I wonder what others would think if they knew even a little bit of what the BF and I talk about.  This is just a sample of some regular conversations.  This is why he's so perfect.  

This is reference to the ridiculous amount of stuff he has.  Who needs 43253432 couch blankets?  WHO?  Hoarders, that's who.  Blanket hoarders!  It's a new epidemic.  You just watch.  There will be a show about men who hoard couch blankets and their loving, beautiful girlfriends who were attacked maliciously by said blankets.  Reality TV.  When Blankets Attack!  

So no, I did not see the president at Taco Bell.  But you never know, and the one day I see him there I'm sure my hair will be all a mess and I will have been too lazy to put on makeup, I mean most days people are lucky I even put on pants, so no makeup is not that far a stretch.  And that one  day President Obama, or the Pope maybe, will be at Taco Bell (or any other fast food place where this fattie eats) and I will be able to tell the bf "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!" and I will take a photo with the Presidential, Pope, Queen of England and I will look like a hood rat but it will be framed forever!  Just for spite!  Or I'll make a life size cut out.   Even better!  

Side note: I just spend an hour trying to figure out how to put my face next to Obama but all the apps I found were TOO cheesy! (yes, there is such a thing!).  

50 Shades of Desiree....PART DUEX

26. What was your childhood nickname? My aunt called me desilu.. sometimes I got called Giraffe because I'm awkward and lanky like one.  

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? It has been a while.  I've moved on to the air drums in the car.   I was never very good at air guitar... I can never find the right note.  

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? No.  Always thought about planning a break in but never had the guts to do it.  

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  I have a weird obsession with flossing while I drive.  If you see some weirdo flossing her teeth its probably me.  Aside from that I pretty much use my car as a mobile everything so I have done makeup while driving, taken notes, been on emails etc.  In TRAFFIC PEOPLE.  

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? Can I plead the fifth on this one?

31. How do you eat your cookie? well this is a very broad question.  The type of cookie OBVIOUSLY dictates how to eat said cookie. I mean really, who wrote this?!

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? hahaha... Ask me how much I work out at the gym.  

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I strip down to my undies and put Pandora on SUPER loud then sing and dance... except that I do that even with people around. 

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? This is another broad question... depends on the drink.... and my company.  

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? I had to see if my puppy was gassy!  I cannot be judged for being a good puppy mommy!

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Now that you mention it I should go do that now..... 

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Folding gets the job done much better... OBVI.  who honestly scrunches toilet paper?  

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  I can honestly say I have never counted.  

41. Do you have any strange phobias? Lakes.  I am horrified of lakes.   You don't know what is lurking in the bottom waiting to grab you and take you prisoner in his under the lake palace!  And don't even get me started no lake fans!  This is a real thing people and they are just waiting to trap your toes and kill you!!  

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not that I recall.  

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? hmmm... This one I'd have to think.  I can recall stupid things OTHERS have done at bars.  Like the time I took a video of a larger girl in green plaid grinding on a VERY skinny dude while singing "don't stop believing" 

Oh, or the time on my 23rd birthday that my family got me super drunk  and I fell asleep on the toilet at the restaurant. 

Or Vegas.  When I thought the bouncer at Tao who was kicking me out was just nicely helping me to the door and I was all "oh, how sweet of him seeing that I walk like a newborn baby giraffe in these heels so he is helping me" and then realizing after I was outside that this had obviously not been the case.  

Vegas... before things turned ugly. 

44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  I am sure I have but the regret has caused me to block it from all memories! 

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Nah.  

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? I actually had an ex who did that.  We were in the car but still on a date!  I was jealous of his ability to so freely fart anywhere. 

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? No.  But once I did play twister where the colours were different gross items in pie pans.  Like yellow was mustard... and red was ketchup.  And there was jelly... and I should have been naked for that because it was such a mess.... except they frown upon that in church youth group.  I'm just saying. 

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? Lets just say my work involves a lot of after work happy hours.   and a weeklong sales meeting every year where the liquor flows. 

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No.  

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? Did I go somewhere?