Domestic Violence is Everyone's Problem

I know, usually I post something witty, or silly, but October is the month to a few great causes, one of which seems to get over shadowed or forgotten altogether: Domestic Violence.

Domestic Violence Awareness is a cause near and dear to my heart. As a child who witnessed it growing up, a child who saw, first hand, the pain it causes not only to the woman, but also to the entire family.

Here are a few facts, courtesy of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• Most cases of DV are never reported to the police, in fact it is one of the most chronically underreported crimes. 
• 1 in 4 women will be a victim of DV in her lifetime. 
• Domestic Violence is not strictly physical abuse, but also ranges into emotional abuse, isolation, using children, and blaming of the victim.  
• Over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. 
• 80-90 precent of children living in homes where there is DV are aware of the violence. 

"I am. I am. I am"

*Serious post ahead, if you're looking for a good laugh I'd skip this one.

Maybe its the wether, the rain, the grey skies, maybe the mercury and venus have aligned, maybe it's a combination of school stress, work stress, family stress, maybe it's the little dark voice in my head, at it again-- yes, it must be her.

She comes to me in, finding any sign of weakness. A moment of loneliness, a feeling of apprehension after a test, a less than welcome message from a family member.  She brings her tent and sets up camp, puts down stakes, invites the neighbors and has a reunion in my head.  She sits silently, so only I know she is there, lurking in the murky shadows, whispering her favorite phrases "you're not good enough... you will never be anything... you're dreams are dumb.... no one loves you..."  She brings to light all the bad things that I have tried so hard to hide, to repress and ignore.  The past, my insecurities, my present failures.  She digs into them with her talon like grip and holds on for dear life.

I tell her she is unwelcome.  That I have no reason to be upset, no reason for sadness, hurt, anger.  I have such blessings in my life.  I have my grandmother who is my sun.  I have both my pups who keep my company when the days are too lonely and frustrating and I just need snuggles.  I have my school that is focused on justice for the oppressed and God's plan for life.  Why am I still sad?  Why do I sit here crying? Why can't I make her leave me alone and let me enjoy the blessings I have in my life?

People do not understand my unwanted guest.   She comes and goes with her own ideas and in her own time.  Sometimes she sets up camp for a few hours, or a few days, sometimes she decides to stay for a few weeks; haunting me and reminding me of all the things I try to hard to avoid and to overcome.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So much in my life, I know it, I see it.  I see the good, I fight with her, telling her to go away, and yet, knowing all of this, sometimes she still takes hold and won't let go.  Leaving me alone, curled up in my bed for days on end, just wanting everything in my brain to be normal.  She is my darkest hour, my lying guest-- She is depression.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart:  I am.  I am.  I am." -The Bell Jar

Depression Lies

Well, this is tough post to create, a tough post to put into the universe.  While I claim to be an open book, there is one thing I am less than open about, however after reading some blogging role models like The Bloggess and others, I have come to realize that this is not something to be so ashamed of. 

I suffer from Depression.  Clinical, diagnosed, depression. 

What a lot of people do not realize is that this is not just a case of being "sad".  People say things like "cheer up, there are people worse off than you... Oh hunny that happens to everyone..." but what they do not know is this... I cannot help myself.   I try. 

Depression is debilitating.    It comes at random times, and in random waves.  For the most part it is fully controlled.  I am happy, I love my family, I love my life.  There is, however, times when it hits me.  Slowly at first, then it becomes unbearable.  I realize I have a lot going for me.  I realize that I have an amazing family, the best friends a person could ask for, a sweet boyfriend, a good job..I have my life.   But sometimes this dark cloud overshadows all of this.  This dark cloud lies. Depression Lies.  It tells you that you are nothing.  You are worthless.  You are not loved.  Depression is a bitter old man who creeps into your thoughts and tells you that you mean nothing.  Depression is a skinny little bitch who tells you that you are not good enough for anyone to love.  That you are not pretty or worthy. 

Too few people realize what this feels like.  They think it is a simple case of "being sad".  If only it was that easy.   Because of this when people find out that you are so hurt, so lost they treat you with kid gloves.  They look at you like you are crazy because you have days, weeks at a time when you don't want to get out of bed.  When you cry for no reason, when despite knowing you have so much going for you, you still feel like your life is not worth it.  You second guess all of your relationships, wondering if your boyfriend only loves you because he is bored, thinking you are a burden to your best friends, feeling like your family would never want you if it were not for the fact that you were born there. 

It breaks my heart that more people do not understand this.   Depression is real, and depression lies. 
It creeps up on you, it consumes you, and sometimes, all we need is someone to see it.  Someone to realize what's happening and to pull us out, kicking and screaming. We need the reassurance from our families and friends.  We need to hear that we are loved, valuable, meaningful.  We need someone to listen, someone to hold us and wait out the darkness.

There is more to life.  When the monotony of life sets in, I have to remind myself that I am a good person.  That I have a lot to live for, and I have a God who created me with a purpose.  I just need to remember that. 

My challenge is this: Look around you.  Friends, co workers, neighbors, there is at least one among you who hurts, who feels more than just "sad blues".  Take time to care. And take time to understand, this is not a flaw in their character, this is a chemical, medical diagnosis.  Those suffering should not have to feel the shame they feel.