Depression Lies

Well, this is tough post to create, a tough post to put into the universe.  While I claim to be an open book, there is one thing I am less than open about, however after reading some blogging role models like The Bloggess and others, I have come to realize that this is not something to be so ashamed of. 

I suffer from Depression.  Clinical, diagnosed, depression. 

What a lot of people do not realize is that this is not just a case of being "sad".  People say things like "cheer up, there are people worse off than you... Oh hunny that happens to everyone..." but what they do not know is this... I cannot help myself.   I try. 

Depression is debilitating.    It comes at random times, and in random waves.  For the most part it is fully controlled.  I am happy, I love my family, I love my life.  There is, however, times when it hits me.  Slowly at first, then it becomes unbearable.  I realize I have a lot going for me.  I realize that I have an amazing family, the best friends a person could ask for, a sweet boyfriend, a good job..I have my life.   But sometimes this dark cloud overshadows all of this.  This dark cloud lies. Depression Lies.  It tells you that you are nothing.  You are worthless.  You are not loved.  Depression is a bitter old man who creeps into your thoughts and tells you that you mean nothing.  Depression is a skinny little bitch who tells you that you are not good enough for anyone to love.  That you are not pretty or worthy. 

Too few people realize what this feels like.  They think it is a simple case of "being sad".  If only it was that easy.   Because of this when people find out that you are so hurt, so lost they treat you with kid gloves.  They look at you like you are crazy because you have days, weeks at a time when you don't want to get out of bed.  When you cry for no reason, when despite knowing you have so much going for you, you still feel like your life is not worth it.  You second guess all of your relationships, wondering if your boyfriend only loves you because he is bored, thinking you are a burden to your best friends, feeling like your family would never want you if it were not for the fact that you were born there. 

It breaks my heart that more people do not understand this.   Depression is real, and depression lies. 
It creeps up on you, it consumes you, and sometimes, all we need is someone to see it.  Someone to realize what's happening and to pull us out, kicking and screaming. We need the reassurance from our families and friends.  We need to hear that we are loved, valuable, meaningful.  We need someone to listen, someone to hold us and wait out the darkness.

There is more to life.  When the monotony of life sets in, I have to remind myself that I am a good person.  That I have a lot to live for, and I have a God who created me with a purpose.  I just need to remember that. 

My challenge is this: Look around you.  Friends, co workers, neighbors, there is at least one among you who hurts, who feels more than just "sad blues".  Take time to care. And take time to understand, this is not a flaw in their character, this is a chemical, medical diagnosis.  Those suffering should not have to feel the shame they feel. 

Amazing Friday, Amazing Friends

I have come to the realization that I have the most amazing friends.  Both work and at home.


Yesterday at work my friends Erin and Nani and I decided we needed to go to Ikea for lunch and to have a much desired girls adventure.

Lady in the parking lot doing stretches. Stay Classy LA

This lady was totally doing yoga in the parking lot.  That's normal.



Erin getting ready for our three story shopping adventure...

We found twine

Me posing in the IKEA home furnishings.  

It's empty, don't worry.

Someone loves IKEA:

"Do something scandalous!" 

Conversations durring our adventure: 

"I totally, in my mind, equate Sweden and Vegans... they have the same sounds... EE and AN.  So it obviously makes sense."   - Me. 

"umm.. they are known for their MEATBALLS, how is that Vegan?"- Nani

"I suppose, but what if they are Vegan Meatballs and the whole world is confused? Think about it, so many supermodels are sweedish and they are obviously not eating those meatballs..." -Me. 

If you think about it I'm right.  :)   

After purchasing a "Lucky Bamboo Stick" (from what I'm told it's impossible to kill) I sat there wondering if Bamboo plants like green tea and if I should give it a sip of my green tea from Starbucks.  Still have not decided if this would kill it or not... and I am pretty bad with plants already.  

This is just funny. 

After work I met up with my friends at the Busiest Happiest Place on Earth for some adventures and I learned a few things in the process: 

1.  Some people are not smart enough to figure out how to get onto a tram.   It's not that hard people.  Get in, sit down, ride tram.  Should be simple, no?

Josh and I think they look like bear nuns. 

2. My friends are nuts.  As you can see by the photos of us... we are a little crazy.

Typical

3.  They stand up for me even when I'm not there and this made me the happiest girl because I realized that my closest friends are not just Melissa and Cianna, but also Darren and Josh who are two of the most amazing examples of men.   

4.  The fortune machines at dland all hate me:

I suppose that makes sense. 

 All in all I'd say I had a fun and wonderful Friday.

All the girls groping my "boyfriend".  He's a stud. 

Happy Weekend! 

Godzilla learns Joy

This past week I learned a lot.  It was a very stressful week at work preparing for next weeks sales conference hosted by the marketing team (including yours truly).   To say that stress made me a little testy would be an understatement.  I turned into what could only be described as Godzilla with roid rage and PMS.  Oh, it was bad.

So I was skating along on my stress induced war path when Thursday night I was hit with a valuable lesson.   Let me preface:  my small group has been going through the book "Purpose Driven Life".  We usually meet Sunday nights, but as I will be at this work event Sunday we decided to meet Thursday for an impromptu small group session.  Oh boy, does God ever know how to smack you in the face sometimes.  (in a loving way of course)

So this week was about Evangelism. Something I am not great at to begin with. And the main thing I got out of it was "Live joyously".  People will constantly see how you live and ask... why?  Godzilla hit a brick wall with that one.  Nothing in my stress induced take down was a good example.  I hate when that happens!  So I am now forced to reevaluate how I act, how I am perceived, and how I live.

Today I prepare for my ultimate stress week: one full week of running around, being "concierge" to our company, putting up with those who are tough to deal with, not enjoying the fun activities because I am the one putting them on, and doing all of this with Joy, Grace and Happiness.  This won't be easy, but it will be necessary.  Here goes to a week of Joyful Smiles and doing the right thing!

My phone won't upload the photo I want to share... So here is an Alpaca.