The stupid story: Why my ex is my ex: A guest post by my dear friend Dan, who is nuts.

The stupid story: Why my ex is my ex: A guest post by my dear friend Dan, who is nuts.

Today my friends and I were sitting outside, having our coffee and Daniel regaled us with he story of his cat... Here it is in his own words.

"I was in between jobs and my ex (because she obviously knows my life better than I do), told me that I needed a friend... I said NO! So that obviously meant that it was definitely happening because with girls "No" means "Yes please!"  (In the world of girl consent for anything but sex, no means yes... such is the nature of relationships).

So here is where it gets good... So we head off to the PetSmart to get me a beta fish... and we walk out with a damn cat... Yes, a cat. How we made a leap from a fish to a mammal is beyond me to this day.

Graffiti Dog

There is a giant world of interesting people that do weird shit to animals.  In perusing pet smart for cute dog stuff I came across this:

Pet Stencils

Yes, apparently your dog needs to be painted on... and they even make specially pet spray paint.

What's better: they make different types of stencils.  Hipster stencils, animal print, Americana... nothing says 'murica quite like a dog you graffiti'd on.

Not as bad as Neudicles, but still pretty weird.

Well that's awkward...

So a few weeks ago I was sitting at home, watching 20/20 about people who love their pets to an Extreme and I learned something I never wanted to learn.

First let me say this, I LOVE my dogs.  I dress Bella up all the time and talk to both of them in baby voices but I would not build them a $300,000 dog mansion.  Mostly because.. ummm who does that???!! and also because I do not have truckloads of cash to throw into doggie air-conditioning.  If I did we could reevaluate this, but as I am a poor post college student (looking for takers to generously pay off my student loans), my dogs must settle for a house fan and the couch.

Anyways... so as I'm sitting in my own not so silent judgement of people who hand feed their dogs sushi, I found out there is something far weirder.  Far more... awkward.

Ready for this?  Because I was not... "neuticles".  Yeah right?  So basically these are prostetic testicles you can get your male dog after you've had him neutered.   Because apparently Fido feels a little bit less adequate now that you have chopped off his mojo.  One man even stated that his dog was depressed and after receiving his life altering "Neuticles" he suddenly was happier than Hugh Hefner on Viagra. (Okay I added that part about the Hef, but it seems fitting).

So anyways, since I now have to wonder every time I see a boy dog, male bits a swingin' if he is a real player or just as plastic as a Ken doll, I wanted to share.  Because poppets, this is knowledge that I cannot keep to myself.  Enjoy.

Not only are the Neuticles disturbing, so is this lady's narration.  WOW.  

Poop Poles: and other reasons a sloth would make the perfect pet.

This is how I picture M and me... note this angry face of the one being slothed

I've lately become obsessed with sloths. I think it might be because I am always "slothing" M, a practice he swears he hates where I jump on him and sloth hug him annoyingly lovingly and yell 'SLOTH HUG'.  I honestly don't see how anyone could hate hugs... Unless you're heartless and let baby kittens play in the street... which he did once, come to think of it... so I guess it all makes sense.








So yesterday M got me the most amazing and adorable surprise: A Sloth Book!

After reading my great book of sloth in ten whole minutes I went into the YouTube rabbit hole to learn more and have come to the following conclusion: Sloths would be perfect pets.


Reason 1: They are as cute as a pile of kittens that are not playing in the street. 

So much cute in one basket.

Reason 2: They sleep... a lot.  This is perfect for anyone who doesn't want to have a high energy, high maintenance pet that interrupts their naps.  This is especially perfect for me because frankly I. LOVE. NAPS.  Think of the nap time possibilities!

Been up for 10 mins?  Nap time!

Reason 3: They are quiet.  Again this is perfect for nap time.

Better than Bananas in Pajamas 

Reason 4: They look like tiny hairy babies.  This is perfect for all the women out there who want a baby but don't want the full commitment that it brings... also known as 'baby fever'.  Additionally, they never hit those rough middle school years where they start to resent you and you're not cool enough for them anymore.   And you don't have to pay for college later on and they never go off into their own lives leaving you lonely!  They are the child that stays a baby forever!




Reason 5: Poop Pole.   Can I just say how amazing this is.  A sloth only using the restroom once. a. week.  Once.  You put them on the base of a pole and they do their business and thats it.  How perfect?  No picking up piles of poo.  Or stepping in them!  They have their own little designed bathroom area for their once a week breaks.  

Nothing to see here... Just using the facilities.