"I am. I am. I am"

*Serious post ahead, if you're looking for a good laugh I'd skip this one.

Maybe its the wether, the rain, the grey skies, maybe the mercury and venus have aligned, maybe it's a combination of school stress, work stress, family stress, maybe it's the little dark voice in my head, at it again-- yes, it must be her.

She comes to me in, finding any sign of weakness. A moment of loneliness, a feeling of apprehension after a test, a less than welcome message from a family member.  She brings her tent and sets up camp, puts down stakes, invites the neighbors and has a reunion in my head.  She sits silently, so only I know she is there, lurking in the murky shadows, whispering her favorite phrases "you're not good enough... you will never be anything... you're dreams are dumb.... no one loves you..."  She brings to light all the bad things that I have tried so hard to hide, to repress and ignore.  The past, my insecurities, my present failures.  She digs into them with her talon like grip and holds on for dear life.

I tell her she is unwelcome.  That I have no reason to be upset, no reason for sadness, hurt, anger.  I have such blessings in my life.  I have my grandmother who is my sun.  I have both my pups who keep my company when the days are too lonely and frustrating and I just need snuggles.  I have my school that is focused on justice for the oppressed and God's plan for life.  Why am I still sad?  Why do I sit here crying? Why can't I make her leave me alone and let me enjoy the blessings I have in my life?

People do not understand my unwanted guest.   She comes and goes with her own ideas and in her own time.  Sometimes she sets up camp for a few hours, or a few days, sometimes she decides to stay for a few weeks; haunting me and reminding me of all the things I try to hard to avoid and to overcome.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So much in my life, I know it, I see it.  I see the good, I fight with her, telling her to go away, and yet, knowing all of this, sometimes she still takes hold and won't let go.  Leaving me alone, curled up in my bed for days on end, just wanting everything in my brain to be normal.  She is my darkest hour, my lying guest-- She is depression.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart:  I am.  I am.  I am." -The Bell Jar

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